Created

Who am I?? Who are you??

It's questions that we ask all too often. Growing up, we always want to know who we are. Who we want to be. As little girls, we play Barbie's and House, pretending we are something that we hope to one day become. 

What teenage girl doesn't ask themselves "Who am I?" or "What does this mean about me?"

Growing up, I went through a lot of phases. 

I went through a super girly phase. Wanting to wear make up, paint my nails, having a frilly pink bedroom. 

I went through a ghetto phase, where I wore the initial belt buckles, Nike Cortez, baggy jeans, and wore the brown lip liner with matching lip gloss.

Then I went through the skater phase, with the even baggier jeans, chain wallets, and sloppy t-shirts. Mind you, most of my chain wallets were black male wallets with some sort of tattoo style print on it. I also usually wore 2-3 chains. 

And would you believe it got worse from there?? I even did the Gothic thing, or I guess that's what they call Emo now....

Anyway, I went through it all. By my sophomore year in high school, I had sort of figured out who I thought I was. I still hung with all the skaters, but I dressed like a cute girl. Not the popular girls, who wore belly tops, spaghetti straps, make up, and hip huggers. I wore bell bottoms, any cute top I could find that wouldn't show my breast size off anymore than it already did on it's own, and lipstick. I even got my nails done every 2 weeks!

At 18, I was still asking myself who I was, what I was. 

Now, I've realized...

What I am or who I am is not made by what I wear, who I hang out with, or what music I listen to. It's not made by the car I drive, the neighborhood I live in, the tattoos that I have, or the amount of money in my bank account. 

I am a mom.

I am a wife. 

I was a daughter.

I was a granddaughter. 

I am a niece, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, an in law.

I am a student, a home maker, a writer, a blogger, a victim, a survivor, an orphan. 

I am me. 

I wasn't born me. I didn't figure out who I am. I created me. Life, created me. 

I can color my hair any way I want, get as many tattoos as I want, dress the way I want, listen to the music that I enjoy, hang out with people who I trust and who love me, and NONE of that will change who I AM. It will all be because it's part of me, creating ME.  

Weekend

I'm trying really hard... to grow up, to not judge. I'm trying really hard to be a good person, to stand up for what I believe but also understand other peoples positions...

But that's really hard to do when it comes to my youngest brother, Juvie. I want to believe he's doing what's best, I want to believe he's doing good now... but he has such a long history of messing up - it's hard to just suddenly believe it and stand by it. 

Last month Juvie called me to tell me that he had a new girlfriend (of five months) and that he was in love with her, living with her, and wanted to marry her. I didn't handle it the best I could... probably....

Juvie: Aren't you going to say something?

Me: What do you want me to say?

Juvie: Most people would say congrats.

Me: Yeah.... I'm not there yet. 

Lets remember that Juvie is just 18 years old, had a baby just 10 months ago, and just got out of jail not long before that. He's got a long record of using, stealing, etc. He wasn't even there for his ex (who he broke up with five days before her due date) when she went into labor. He was out drinking. He showed up the next day, hung over, and started to fall asleep as he held my nephew Chubs. 

Either way, I pushed on, tried to understand.... He is doing better. He is clean. He's got his own place with this girl and is doing better.... but how long will this last?? How long until I get another call that he's using or he's locked up??

On Friday, Juvie called me to tell me that he and his new girlfriend (lets call her Lips) are going to be coming down the next day. So, they get here on Saturday, and I honestly didn't know what to think. She's cute, but really not what I expected, considering my brothers history. 

Over the next 24 hours that we were together, we had some awkward conversations.

One that her parents wont let her get married (she's 17) unless my brother signs up for the Air Force.

One that tells me that her parents are unemployed and living with her older sister, who is a stripper.

One that tells me that her parents left her, even though she is just 17, to live in an apartment with Juvie, when they moved out of state. Juvie and Lips had only been dating a few months at this point. 

One that if she gets pregnant (why did this come up?) that it would be okay, because Juvie could just go into the Air Force. (are we seeing a pattern??)

One where he admitted that they were occasionally having unprotected sex and that she isn't on birth control.

One where she flat out told me that I cannot bring my brother to a strip club now that he's 18, even though I am the same sister that took him to Hooters for his 12th birthday. WTF?

And another where she basically shot down any hopes I may have ever had of him moving out here, which we've both wanted since he was about 12yrs old. 

A few that mentioned that they were barely making it financially, partially due to the fact that my brother can't find work.

Then, as they are leaving... he turns to me (as she goes down to her car) and asks me what I think of her. I tell him, honestly, that I think she's a bit controlling... but is he happy? Yes. Then, I'm happy. 

As I shut the door, I have a thought.... I open the door.

Me: Juvie....

Juvie: Yeah??

Me: CONDOMS

Juvie: ..... Oh.... uhm... yeah.... so, she took a dollar store test before we came out here, and it showed up positive.

Me: .....Fuck.....

Later tonight I got a text from him telling me that they went and bought a regular test, and sure enough, she's pregnant. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 

I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do. He says he's going to join the air force, he says he's going to do what he needs to do. 

 

At first we fought, then I cried, then he cried, and then we talked. There is so much to talk about. I'll admit, I am completely against him joining the air force, or any branch of the military. I don't know why, I just am. I don't think it's right for him - aside from the fact that he's got a bum knee. It's been like that since he was a kid. 

Anyway - I don't know what to do or say. I'm disappointed, I'm hurt, I'm worried. I want to like this girl, but something about her just rubs me the wrong way. My brother is hurt that I can have such a great relationship with his ex, Lonely, but can't just like someone he is in love with. I understand that - but what can I do?? I can't force myself to like her... it doesn't mean I'll be rude to her, or make it obvious that I don't like her. It doesn't mean I wont ever like her... I just... right now, I'm not her biggest fan....

I'm going to try to be a good big sister. I'm going to try to be a good.... future sister in law?? I want to gag just thinking about it.... I want to be a good future aunt to this little baby that's growing inside of her. I'll help in any way I can - but it sure does feel like she's going to shoot down every idea I throw out there.

For the 100th time in my life, I'm wishing my brother lived so much closer to me than he does. :(

Putting Pride Aside

It's not an easy thing to do. Pride is so deeply ingrained in most of us, and we don't even realize it... but it's there. I wouldn't have really thought of myself as a "proud" person, meaning I don't let my belongings and material objects make me who I am. I'm not that way...

But a few weeks ago, my pride was brought to light, and put in check. 

With us having financial hardships, we've had to make some adjustments to our way of living. We've also had to ask for extra help. :-/ We had to call our utilities and ask for low income programs and/or anything that would help lower our monthly bills aside from completely losing them. 

But the two biggest helpers since this has all started..... the two things that made me really check my pride at the door....

Our local food bank and St. Vincent de Paul. 

They've kept food in our fridge (even though some we can't cook at the moment) and are even helping us pay some of our utilities. It's such a huge help, I can't even explain. 

These are such great organizations, and I had no idea before now. I had heard of food banks, and I knew that you could go to St. Vincent de Paul to purchase stuff, almost like you can from a good will, but I had no idea they all offered so many things. I didn't realize just how much the food banks help people, or that St. Vincent de Paul was set up to help people as well as sell stuff. 

I can tell you that these are two organizations I will be sure to help out with once we are back on our feet. They are so amazing and have seriously helped us so much! Please check out the local SVDP and Food banks in your area!

St. Vincent de Paul

Feeding America